This week was horrible.  I don't want to sound depressing. But for real, worst week of the year and it's only the end of January. 

Wednesday, January 21st

I get into a huge fight with my mom and walk out on her at the restaurant. 

Jake and I break up. 

My mom is so taken up with what she wants that she forgets or doesn't want to see, that I am her daughter and it can't always be about her. 

Jake lied to me. Again.  The last time he did this i said I would have to break up with him. And here he is lying about the same exact thing.  And I love him but right now I have him too.  For how he has ruined it.  I mean-I had a hard time trusting him to begin with.  I love him sooo much but I hate him for that.  He's making this impossible. It's so hard for me to explain.  Like I hate that I love him. It hurst because I can't show it to him now.  That would be like saying everything is okay and it's not.  And I'm the one who has to be the adult in the relationship.  I'm tired of being the adult in all the relationships (hence me and my mother's).  I'm so angry with him honestly but I'm so conflicted because I love him so much.  I hate it. And now I have two weeks to go of not seeing him to hang out.

So work ended up being horrible today.  I cried.  I couldn't take anything.  I don't think I can still.  I'm crying randomly when I think about all of it and the pressure of work and school when I just want to go take a break from the life I live now.  I honestly need someone to hold me and comfort me.  I want it to be him because he's the one who hurt me. I want him to reassure me that everything will be right again.  Even better really. But he's not here.  I told him not to be. For two weeks.  

I'm really careful with who I cry to.  I don't think everyone can understand or aren't very good at comforting and listening and being reassuring.  I can't say I know too many people who are.  And I'm not sure who to call.  There are a few that come to mind but I just feel silly about the whole mess.  I feel like I'm getting upset over nothing.  To me though, it's something.  I don't know.....

Remember when my councilor told me about the inner child, inner adult, and inner parent?  I'm having conflict with those right now.  The adult is saying that I need to be rational, the parents getting on to me for being upset, and then the child pushing out and crying randomly.  No matter how far you try to push the child, it has to come out.  And secretly you want it to.  You want to be a child again.  You want to be comforted and reassured.  You want someone to instill hope in you again. 

Awesome-room mate and her boyfriend are home.  Good think I'm depressed. 

-HOLLY

Love Makes The World Go Round.
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